1. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
          One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish! 

2.  Q. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
              A. "Dam!"     

3. Definition of a fisherman:
           A jerk on  one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other.

4. The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..."        and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullshit..."

5. Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

6. The way to communicate with the fish is to drop them a line.

7. To argue on a fishing boat is to have a de bait.

8. What do you call a fish with no eye?
                FSH!!!!

9. The difference between a woman's G-Spot and a mans favorite fishing Spot?
              A man will spend all day trying to find his fishing Spot!!!!

10. There are two types of fishermen: those who fish for sport, and those who catch something.

11. I got a new rod and reel for my wife.
                Best trade I ever made.

12. I caught a twenty pound salmon last week." 
           "Were there any witnesses?" 
            "There sure were. If there weren't, it would have been forty pounds."

13. Two morons were ice fishing and not having much luck. Pretty soon a guy went by on a             snow mobile and he had a whole bucket of fish on the back. One moron says to the other one                    "That's why were not catching anything ,we're not trolling!"

14. The Wisconsin D.N.R. decided to create the ultimate fish. They wanted the size of a coho salmon, the taste of a walleye and the fight of a musky. Years of work in the lab resulted in just such a fish... called a co-wall-ski. Only one problem, it couldn't swim.
15. Q. What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?  
                  A.  A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

1. Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single thing. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" 
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?" asked the salesman.
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." replied Jim.
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." said the saleman.
 "But why?" asked Jim.
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight." replied the salesman.

2. A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. 
Patti looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. 
The fish says $30,000. 
The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
 Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. 
The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed. 
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??" 
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." 

3. Kent and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral procession drives by. Well, Kent lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This procession is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Kent sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions.
One of them finally speaks  and says, "That sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." 
Kent replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!" 

4. A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. 
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" 
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." 
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
 "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home." 
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" shouted the game warden.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
 "O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious.
 The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. 
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
 "Well, what?" the man responded. 
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. 
"Call who back?" the man asked. 
"The FISH." 
"What fish?" the man asked.

5. Two fishermen travel 100 miles to try out a new fishing spot. They buy a variety of bait and lures and rent a boat.  After a long day of fishing, the two fishermen return to the dock.  The first fisherman pulls their only catch from the live well, a scrawny bass just legal size.  He says, "Boy!  This fish cost us about $75." 
 The second fisherman says, "Well it's a good thing we didn't catch any more."

6. A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.  She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.  She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"  
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
 She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. 
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". 
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."  
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.  At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.  
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

7. Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop their lines in the water.  After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite. 
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.
Jethro again asks, "What?"
Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"
 

8. One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.  One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual.  It was cold and  raining, and for the first time ever he decided to return back to his house.  He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. 
"What terrible weather today, honey," he said to her.
"Yes.  And my idiot husband went fishing!"

9. A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." 

10. Two brothers are out for the day in their tin boat. The first one hooks into a big one, fights it for a half hour or so and when the fish finally tires he brings it to the boat. It is the drop-dead oddest fish they have ever seen. Before they can drop it into the cooler the fish says, "I'm an enchanted fish and if you'll let me go I'll grant you any wish."
Well the boys are a bit skeptical but they decide he's too ugly to eat so they drop the fish over the side of the boat. 
Looking up from the lake, the fish says ,"Ok, what will it be???"
Before having time to think the first brother says, "All right, turn the lake into pure budweiser!"
Before you know it POOF! The lake turns into a foaming vat of beer.   
"Now why did you go and do a damn fool thing like that," the other brother says, "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!!!!"

11. Why fishing is better than making love:
* When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
In loving you lie about the one you caught.

* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to
still be friends after you let it go.

* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

12. Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walked across the water to get some more bait.
After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walked across the water.
After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked,
"Should we have told him where the rocks were? "

13. A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in and hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.
His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear."
He says "Oh yes it was great. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

14. Old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid with a fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls out.
"Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid.
Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape.
"Where you goin' with that?" he calls out.
"Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid.
"You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man.
But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls out.
 "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid.
"You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man.
But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "while I get my hat!!"

15. Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.  A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "We aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. 
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "Take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
 "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?"

16. A fishermen walks into a bait and tackle shop to pick up some supplies for a day on the water. He asks the guy behind the counter how much the night crawlers are and he replies, "There's a sale on crawlers for two cents a dozen." 
The guy pays for 10 dozen crawlers and then asks the clerk if there are any other sales going on.
 He responds, "Everything in the store is on sale for two cents each." 
The fisherman is shocked by this statement and then asks him if he is the owner of the store. 
The guy behind the counter then says, "No, the owner is with my wife." 
The fisherman then asks what the owner is doing with his wife to which the clerk responds, "When everything in his store is sold for two cents each, I'm doing to him what he's doing to my wife."    

17.     Joe was sitting at a bar next to Bob. Bob turns to Joe and said, "You look terrible. Why are you all hunched over and in such obvious pain?" 
Joe said, "Do you really want to know?" 
Bob said, "Sure."
 "Okay." Joe said. "One day while I was fishing down by the beach, I accidentally kicked over a bottle, and a Genie popped out. 
The Genie said, "I'll grant you any wish, but only one." 
"So then I said, "No shit?"

18. A southern red-neck caught a world record 22 1/2 lbs. bass and the media frenzy was amazing.   When a reporter asked the lucky angler what he was going to do with the fish, he drawled, "I-Da-Know probably guna eat it." 
 The astonished reporter then asked, "You're not going to mount it?"  
The fishin' fool then replied, "Don't ya think there's just to many people standing around for that?"

19. A weekend warrior finally was able to get a vacation and decided to fish an entire week. His first two days effort produced not one fish in the live well. Every time he arrived back at the marina he noticed this guide and his customers cleaning their limit of fish. He decided he was going to find out what this guide was using. The warrior went into the marina and bought every lure and bait they told him this guide uses. The next day he followed the the guide out. This lake has a fork in it and the guide took off to the left. From a distance the warrior watched the guide and his customer pull in their limit within an hour. When the guide left the warrior ran over to where they were but could not even buy a bite. The next morning the guide took off to the right fork. From a distance again the warrior watched the guide and his customer pull in their limit within an hour. When the guide left the warrior ran over to where they were but could not even get one single bite. Angry and frustrated the warrior went to the marina to talk to this guide. 
"Look dude" said the warrior. "I have followed you for two days. Yesterday you took the left fork today you took the right fork and caught your limit of fish. When you leave I jump in where you fished and I cannot even get one single bite. I am using the same lures and baits you are so what am I doing wrong and what is your secret?" 
The guide replied, "Well it is not a secret; it is my wife."
"Your wife," replied the warrior.
"Yes, you see when I wake up in the morning I look to see what side of the bed she is sleeping on. "Yesterday you remember I took the left fork because when I woke my wife was on her left side. Today I took the right fork because she was on her right side." 
The warrior looked puzzled than asked "Well what if she is on her back?" 
The Guide replied "I don't go fishing!"

20. Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. 
Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. 
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. 
His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. 
The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." 
They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. 
"My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
 "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually, the great fish started to win the battle and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

21. Ten common fishing terms explained:

Catch and Release :  A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.
Hook :  (1).  A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
 (2).  A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel.
 (3).  The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line: Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure:  An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel: A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Rod :  An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
Tackle:  What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box: A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test : (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
 (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish. 

22. You might be a fisherman if..
1. You have a power worm dangling from you rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2. Your wedding party has to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3. You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter."
4. Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5. You keep a flippin' stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6. You get 40 to life because your teenager asked you to buy a jet ski.
7. You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
8. Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
9. You honeymooned on Lake Okeechobee - ALONE.
10. You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
11. You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
12. You consider Vienna sausages and crackers a complete meal.
13. You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
14. You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
15. Your wife wears green lipstick so you'll kiss her more.
16. You think there are four seasons - Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post spawn and Hunting.
17. Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs tires so you "borrow" the ones off your house trailer .
18. Your wife tells you she is feeling "frisky" but you don't know what she means until she explains she wants to spawn.
19. You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
20. Your kids know it's Saturday - because the boat is gone.

23. Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. 
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." 
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"